Here we are, six months post loss – There are days that seem Steve left 6 months ago and then there are days that I recall the knock on the door and being notified of the accident moments ago. That pain in my chest, the disbelief and then the realization that he wasn’t coming home are unexplainable… There are also still those moments that I expect him to come walking through the door after a day of rafting or fishing. I still lapse at times and can’t wait to call or text him to tell him that I love him and I’ll see him later –
One of my major challenges is to stop worrying about how to be a Dad to my children… They too were cheated out of so many ‘Horning University’ classes and basic ‘Steve-isms’ and I want to fill that void for them. I have to remind myself that I cannot be their Dad, no one can. All that I can do is be the best Mom that I can for them. I have to keep fighting like a tiger, like a momma bear to provide for my family, I am the mothership now – their safe place, their soft place to land.
I’ve grown in many ways, I’ve had too… Steve’s passing has taught me that I need to think for myself, to be strong and confident in my decisions.
I sorely miss having someone here to take care of things with/for me. We made a great team – Fortunately Steve was a great teacher and I, a good student. I laugh at myself sometimes now as I’m certain he thought I wasn’t listening or paying attention to what he was teaching me or telling me. As it turns out I was and I have been able to muddle through a couple of large projects.
I still miss sitting with Steve by my side on the couch watching Food Network, The Amazing Race and Survivor. I miss waking up next to him and going to sleep by his side. I used to tease him because he snored, said it kept me awake… What I would give to lay awake and hear him snore! It’s the little things sometimes that you miss the most.
Our sweet Harlow has made the adjustment from Poppa daycare to full-time Montessori well, she still talks about her Poppa and how he lives in the sunset and in our hearts. We continue to practice sign language with her. Poppa would be so proud of how much she has retained and I have taught her a few new signs myself. She has a Poppa book, full of pictures of Poppa and others in our family. It is our responsibility and joy to ensure that she remembers her Poppa and knows how much he loved her. That little one can bring a smile to my face when all else seems so dark.
I made the decision to retire from my job as it was not the right place for me to heal. My retirement is a far cry from what I had envisioned it would be, but it has given me the opportunity to spend time with friends and family. This time has proved to be some of the best therapy I could have asked for. Retirement has also given me time learn my new duties as CEO, COO, CFO and master gardener at the Horning Homestead
I found myself driven to do something to immortalize Steve’s life on Earth… I started a hashtag on social media of #stevechurch; to mark anytime you are out enjoying nature, when you are working on your fitness, enjoying a beautiful sunrise or sunset. Steve was all about these things; nature, fitness and beautiful skies. It seems to have taken off pretty well and it brings me incredible joy to see it used.
Some days I feel that I can take on anything that is set in front of me and then there are the days that everything I do seems like an unsurpassable hill. I’m told that this is all part of the healing process, so I continue to climb those hills as they are set before me, to make me stronger, confident and heal.
I saw the following on a support blog and want to share it:
Widow, huh…widow……that’s an odd word isn’t it? I don’t like that word! It seems so hollow – Widow
I bet if I put the letter “n” in there, it turns into Window, a way to look out… or in… with a new perspective, a new view, a different view. I suppose it will be like any other time I look through the window… Sometimes I like what I see and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s sunny and bright, sometimes cloudy and stormy, sometimes overcast, sometimes the sun is hidden by big puffy clouds passing over its path. If I think of it that way, I can envision how the next year will go ~ a mixed bag of sunny, cloudy, rainy, bright or snowy days with an emotion attached to each. The stormy days don’t last forever and neither do the sunny days, but in the end it all works out. There is growth, there are seasons and a reason for each. This will be my journey, a journey I will be taking without my love, but with him there by my side in my memories and in my heart each step of the way.
On the upside I know that I have so many supporters and I appreciate you all –
I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day or even 6 months from now will bring, but I do know that having people out there that care about me and support me is so incredibly comforting.
Thank you for hanging in there for this rather lengthy post!