Four Years

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The picture above was from your last trip to the Eagle Cap Wilderness area.  I know that you were in such a happy place and enjoyed camping out like a good scout, eating freeze dried food and scoping out nature at its finest.

This time of year still remains a difficult time for me…

I still reflect on certain events that led up to my final days with you.  I haven’t decided if the ‘memories’ that show up in my social media accounts are a good or bad thing, but in all honesty, I do enjoy them.  I had one that was a video of you with Harlow a few days before the accident and to hear your voice was awesome!  I can say that those last few months were incredible and I will never forget them!! Our final family trip to Maui and my setting up a local photographer to take family pictures at sunset on the beach, seeing you and our family at the finish line of the Rock n’ Roll Portland ½ marathon, waiting until I met up with you at the finish of the Rock n’ Roll Seattle marathon to verify that I had PR’d and banging the gong once we knew it was confirmed, driving the Jeep to the Coop to see the Blue Moon and climbing up on the bales of hay to get the perfect pictures, our last dinner together and our last phone conversation… Instilled in my brain forever!!

As in each day/week/month/year I have my times of feeling sad, mad, and hurt! I have learned however that these times are okay, and I allow myself to have them. I feel it is my right to have these feelings since for whatever reason (yes, I STILL haven’t figured out why!) all of our hopes and dreams were ripped away in the blink of an eye.

My new life with the man that came after has been a blessing and continues to be so.  Being a widower himself we share the same intent to honor the loves of our lives that were taken from us far too soon.  We say your names and remember your faces!!  We recognize your birthdays, our anniversaries and your angelversaries.  You will NEVER be forgotten…  We continue to live a full life in your honor.

I suffered a huge setback at the house due to a toilet tank malfunction… I was not at home but camping, therefore it went unnoticed for a week.  The laminate work that you placed in the guest bathroom was destroyed.  It broke my heart, but in the back of my mind I smiled as you were never happy with the results LOL!!!  The house really took a beating with 75% of the flooring needing to be replaced.  I could be dramatic and say that it looks like a war zone, but it’s not ‘that bad’ as I’ve been told.  For me… It’s BAD! My whole past is just in disarray and every time I am there I feel less and less connected to ‘my home’.  With the needed remodeling I feel it more and more.  The house will always have a special place in my heart as it holds so many memories that will never go away or be replaced.

A major event occurred this year… the coop ranch sold!  Your happy place, your safe place, your haven. You knew it was coming and I’m certain that you guided all involved to make the best decisions.  I’m SO glad that we have all of the pictures and videos of our and our family trips there, in addition to the many hunting trips that you enjoyed there.

I made another difficult decision, to sell your Jeep!  You had so many plans for ‘Johnnie5’… It broke my heart but I just couldn’t put it to the good use that you intended and why not allow someone else to have that pleasure? Good news is… it remains in the family and will certainly provide many years of enjoyment.

I’m sure you know my Grandma and your Uncle Buzz passed this past year. Hopefully you have all reconnected and are enjoying each other’s company on your clouds…

Your granddaughters are simply amazing! Harlow continues to talk about you, and is approaching First Grade!! Oh my how you would be so proud of this little one… She is loving being able to ride in the ‘beep’.  Our little Carlin Jewel is growing so fast! She continues to show that Horning determination in any challenges that are thrown her way.   I’m looking forward to the time that she will be able to understand our sharing of pictures and stories of her Poppa Steve!!

In closing, I wanted to share a video that was near and dear to us very close to you leaving this earth.  I will continue to rise and laugh & be stronger for all that has/is thrown at me, hoping to make you proud!

Much love – Lolly

 

 

 

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Three Years

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Where does time go? Some days I feel at a standstill and the others… I feel I’m honoring you by moving forward! “Get busy living” you loved to say, well I’m all in on that!!  Sometimes maybe too much LOL!

You continue to and always will live with us in our hearts and minds… You instilled so many life lessons that we will never forget!

In the years since you passed we have had bad days and we have had good days. Many times we hide those bad days and try to learn from them; they give us strength as we realize there will be better days and we WILL have good days again as we reflect on the many memories.

Our Ohana has seen some changes since you left us… you have another beautiful granddaughter who arrived tiny but oh.so.mighty!!! I’m certain that this little one was watched over by many of our angel family. Since I took a leap of faith and met a man, a fellow widower, we continue to enjoy attending events, travelling and laughing together.  He has taken me under his wing to love and support. I would have never thought I’d love or be happy again but I know now that grief and joy can in fact co-exist. It’s all part of the duality of grief; stillness and movement… Your oldest granddaughter is growing so quickly; smart as a whip!  She recently informed a stranger about your accident… it’s her reality too! and asked me some very pointed questions about you, me and my ‘boyfriend’.  I’m glad that we can openly discuss our new normal, she is a very brave little girl!

Noone can ever take your place, we talk of you often, say your name and will continue with the little ones so that they know and remember you!

I’m still at our house… I try so very hard to keep things as you had set up!  That front yard tho’!!!  LOL… I know it was meant to be low maintenance but dang… 🙂  It means a lot to me to keep it the way you had envisioned.  I love sitting in the backyard admiring the view and recalling all the time you spent making it what it is today.

We will continue to live life to the fullest and Get Busy Living all in moderation…

Much love to you in Heaven Beano…

 

Fathers Day 2015 – The last of the firsts…

First, let me wish all of you Fathers a very Happy Fathers Day!

May you be celebrated for all of the things you have done and all that you will continue to do for your family!

For me, today marks the final major holiday of firsts that we will acknowledge without our family patriarchs physical presence…  It has been a very difficult year of firsts, but my family has made it through this, TOGETHER!  We are fortunate to have each other to carry us through and I couldn’t love them more.

I am also aware of the significance of this day for my children; a day to honor the main male role model in their lives – it pains me that they cannot do this in person, but I know my children and I am certain that their Father will be honored, no matter where he is!

He will be honored:

This man, their Father… the man who upon their births was too emotional to inform me of their gender, I still can see the look in his eyes of pure amazement…

This man, their Father… who took part in the neighborhood carpool to school.

This man, their Father… stepped up to coach many softball/baseball teams.

This man, their Father… the one that we all looked to for advice.

This man, their Father… who will continue to watch over us and guide us from his new home…

I trust they know how much their Father took pride in all that they achieved and spoke highly of them often.

Happy Fathers Day to you Steve, you deserve the highest of honors!!

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Runners Etiquette

Having run my share of races and training runs, I felt compelled to share a few do’s and don’t of race day etiquette.  Thanks to Karen for allowing me to use her post as a launch pad for my own!

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Don’t Hog the Road– If you are running in a group don’t run more than two abrest. This leaves room for others to pass you. I’ve been at races where people are walking 4-5 people across and it’s really difficult to navigate. Share the road, we all want to cross the finish line!

Porta Potty Knock- We all know that runners are in a mad rush to get in and out of the potty before/during a race and in our haste we sometimes forget to lock the door or knock to make sure no one is in there. Give a courtesy knock 🙂

Walk This Way- I understand run/walk intervals but in a large race it can be difficult to constantly be stopping mid stride with so many people around you.  Stick to one side and be sure to look around before coming to a complete walk.

MVP- It takes a lot of people to put on a race and I always consider the volunteers the MVP’s of raceday. Be sure to thank volunteers at water stations, at the finish line and even at the start line!

Manners Matter- Races can be crowded and people are bound to bump shoulders and brush elbows but I always try to be as careful as possible and leave enough space between myself and another person. I also always try to be courteous if I accidentally bump somoeone and give a little “oops!” or “sorry about that” if I really bump into them. Not everyone responds (headphones on or in the zone) but I try my best to mind my manners.

What are your race day etiquette tips?  Did I miss any of yours??